Remember when you were a kid? Go as far back as you can. Do you remember what it felt like when a teacher praised you? Chastised you? When you saw someone else get praised or chastised?
We may not have realized it then, but all those ways our parents interacted with us, the ways our teachers, other students, church members, sports team coaches and members, everyone we came in contact with, was all socializing. It was teaching us what was “right” or “acceptable” in a social situation. It was teaching us how to look, behave, talk. What to say, when to say it, how to say it. It was teaching us what parts of our personalities to tone down, and which to be proud of.
The way a child is socialized has a lasting impact on them. And whether we intend it or not, we socialize little girls differently than little boys. In life, that socialization impacts how adult women and men act differently. Unsurprisingly, then, how a person was socialized growing up, as a man or a woman, impacts their Martial Arts training.
Textbook Gender Development by Susan Golombok and Robyn Fivush from 1994 illustrated just how differently teachers praised and criticized little boys and girls. While this textbook may seem outdated, it is important to remember the ages these kids are now. I was born in 1994. The socialization I received in the early 2000s is likely reflective of the 1994 study on teachers’ critiques by gender. If you have students in their 20s or older that are just starting training, this may impact them. If you have students in their 20s or older that have been training for a while, this could still impact them.
What did the studies find? Teachers tended to praise boys more on providing correct answers in class, whereas girls tended to be praised on “good” or compliant behavior. By contrast, boys were criticized more for their misbehavior, whereas girls were criticized for giving incorrect answers. This also means that teachers tended to ignore good behavior and incorrect answers in boys, whereas they ignored misbehavior and correct answers for girls (Golombok & Fivush, 1994).
Think back to when you were a kid again. Think about what it felt like to have a teacher criticize you. Can you remember what the criticism was for? Was it something you got criticized for a lot?
This can play out in adulthood as well. Do you know a woman who’s typically pretty quiet, who doesn’t like to ask a lot of questions, but is fairly compliant? Do you know a woman that has to always be right? Both of those are potential reactions to consistent criticism for being wrong. What about a woman that struggles to try new things, that doesn’t like being “bad” at things? Dislike for being wrong can extend to a dislike of feeling or being bad at something.
Do you know men that are willing to say whatever they think, regardless of how right it is? Do you know men that are dismissive of being wrong, as if it doesn’t matter?
These are just a few, small ways in which childhood socialization can make a difference in adult behavior, and a few of the ways adults may act after being socialized. There are plenty of ways that it differs.
One of the common ways we socialize girls differently than boys has become more well-known over the last few years is in how we caution children. We don’t really think about it, right? Your kid’s climbing up a rickety rope ladder on the playground, and the first thing you think to say is, “Be careful!” Right?
But what if it’s not that simple?
A study from 2015 from the Journal of Pediatric Psychology found the parents were “four times more likely to tell girls than boys to be more careful” (O’Neal et al, 2015). But this isn’t the first time these findings have been indicated. A study from 1999 found something similar. The study focused on how parents reacted to children playing on a playground fire pole. Researchers found that parents were more likely to caution their girl children, and give physical help to girl children. In contrast, they were more likely to encourage boys to attempt the fire pole, and give verbal instructions without offering physical help (Morrongiello & Dawber, 1999).
Little girls are taught to be afraid. They’re taught not to take risks with their health and safety. They’re taught to be careful in a way boys aren’t.
And then when those little girls find themselves, as adults, in a room full of men punching, kicking, and throwing each other to the ground? Well, that’s something to be afraid of. That’s a risk to their health and safety. And the careful thing to do is to quit.
What if we combined those two scenarios? Take a young woman that doesn’t like to feel like she’s bad at things, because she was criticized whenever she was wrong about something. And she grew up being told not to take risks and to be careful, that she needed help with dangerous physical activities.
Imagine asking her to spar for the first time. Imagine asking her square up with a guy probably larger and more skilled than her, surrounded by guys who are probably larger, and are likely to have a greater natural ability at this physical activity. Imagine asking her to have a punch thrown at her face, or, if it’s judo, have her thrown face first into the ground. She’s probably going to struggle with it. This may sound like a huge assumption, and to some extent, it is. But it’s an “assumption” I’ve watched play out throughout my Martial Arts career. It’s an “assumption” that kept me away from randori, judo sparring, for 3 years of training. It’s an “assumption” that still gives me anxiety when I try to practice randori.
Again, this is a situation being painted with a broad stroke. Not all girls are the same, not all stories of socialization are the same, not all dojos are the same. But the ways in which are socialized impact the ways we learn new information. For a woman, socialized to be timid, it can be much harder to learn new information in an environment that is brash, loud, and aggressive.
Instructors should be adjusting their teaching style to reflect what their students need. This is true of all students, as individuals, regardless of gender. But instructors should be keeping in mind that women are taught to approach physical activity in a different way than men, and that if a woman seems timid and nervous, the instructor needs to adjust their teaching style accordingly.
How does an instructor help a woman feel more comfortable? First and foremost, communication is key. If an individual student is struggling in particular, talk to that student. There may be some additional circumstances that are making training hard.
However, there are some good general practices that would help make students more comfortable. First, instructors can teach safety measures before any techniques, and make sure they’re well taught. If you’re throwing, make sure proper falling and supporting techniques are taught first. Second, don’t allow excessive aggression in the dojo. When someone’s getting too aggressive, make them sit out. Third, gently encourage students out of their comfort zone, but don’t force them. There’s a fine line between making a student feel like they’re not participating enough, and letting them know they should participate as much as they can. Don’t shame them for not doing more, but also make sure they know they are capable of it, even if they don’t think they are. Fourth, give compliments. Make it a point to compliment them regularly, and on something genuine. Not “Oh wow you’re so great!” But something honest, even if it’s small. Sometimes, knowing you’ve improved is all it takes.
This is quite a small example of how socialization can affect people, and how socialization can affect their ability to learn. But the differences in gender socialization can be quite stark, and can be make or break when it comes to women in the dojo. It’s something we all know, but we don’t know. We’re not consciously aware of how our interactions can affect someone. But it’s an important concept to think about when trying to encourage a wider range of diversity in the dojo.