Sweeping my kitchen floor today I had overwhelming thoughts and feelings as I looked down and saw four pennies on the floor. At first, I debated on sweeping them up in the pile with noodles, dust and other kitchen assortments that fall when my kids make dinner, because in reality it's four cents. How far can that really get me? Then, I thought back to a day when i worked in a cubicle, many moons ago, I would throw all my change into a drawer after lunch. I picked out all the dimes, nickels, and quarters because they matter... and announced, anyone want my pennies?? To my surprise, because who wants a bunch of pennies, one said he would take them. He put his hands out and said "it all spends the same". I said to enjoy them, and he put them in his pocket and walked back to his desk.
I always thought pennies were trash, until I learned to value things. Over the last 4 years, I have struggled, triumphed, fallen. I have had depression, anxiety, panic attacks, tears, overwhelming fears and just apathy toward life. Days and days were spent in bed, just willing myself to get up, fighting in my head about continuing on in my current state. I always wanted to live, but just wanted relief from the unknown of what my future holds and to feel stable again. I would work, take care of my kids and go to bed. I tried to have a social life, but I pushed a lot of people away with my destructive behavior or lack of follow through. I always thought the inspirational quote “It doesn’t matter if it's a run, walk or crawl keep moving forward” was difficult to grasp. My life always moves fast, my body does, and so does my mind. But, over the last year it became a crawl. Not understanding how to move and keep up in my fast paced world just left me so empty.
I would talk to countless families about martial arts and how it's really a journey. It works on your inside as well and your outside as a person. As hard and aggressive as Krav Maga is, I’ve found it's what saved me and brought me to an understanding about myself. At first, I would find myself comparing myself to others. Who were bigger, stronger, or more farther along. I became ultra competitive with them. I was trying to be them. In some ways it helped but in others it detracted from my learning, because I was so worried about what others were going to think. If I messed this up or didn’t do that right, I wasn’t attending classes like everyone else because of my crazy life schedule. It began to steal my joy. Comparison is the thief of joy. After I failed Phase B, it became difficult to even want to show up because of the shame I heaped on myself for not being good enough. Over time, with the patience of my boss, my Fortitude co-workers and fellow training mates I came out of that dark part of life. Starting Brazilian Jujitsu and teach Krav with a renewed spirit has been life changing. I no longer do it for anyone but myself. I show up and own what I do. I make a mistake, I try again. Little by little the pennies get added to the jar. Little by little my wealth grows. I have become confident and assured in who I am and my capabilities. Proud of the work I have done on myself and the understanding that no one can do it but me. Taking that burden on myself has given me a drive to be more creative in my teaching, more empathetic and understanding when students are struggling.
This last Christmas Eve, during the day I didn’t have my kids, for so many years I had traditions and things I looked forward to and this year it was different. I sat crying in my bed about what was, then a voice inside of me said “take it back” Take this time for you. Among the hustle and bustle of the holidays, enjoy time for yourself. So, I took a deep breath and for the first time ever I went to a movie by myself. I bought popcorn and watched the new Star Wars. I was happy. I saw I didn’t need anyone's approval or attention. I can be happy by myself. (If anyone knows me I am 99.999% an extrovert and I hated being alone.) I became content again, and things started falling into place.
So, as I looked down on those pennies this morning, I saw value, I picked them up, dusted them off, and put them in my piggy bank, understanding full well the value of each cent matters. And one day that piggy bank will take me on vacation! :) Each moment I decided to keep going was another penny in the bank. Each moment I got out of bed and showed up added more value to me. Each moment I choose to love instead of being filled with dread added value. Those moments added up to a much more fulfilled life and continued to do. I’m growing and understanding myself more and more every day. I am valuable. Run, walk or crawl I keep going because it’s worth it. I’m worth it. And believe me, You are worth it too. Invest in yourself to grow, gain tools to do so! Martial arts or a different hobby or sport, therapy, good community of friends, all of them will help gain access to understanding your value. Never stop fighting! -Love, Jayda