Safety Always

We get to the dojo a little early usually. We’ll sit in the car and stretch after a long car ride, then head inside to change for Judo. I never knock on the women’s changing room door. I should; we actually have a few other female students now. There’s four of us, myself included, that I see on a regular basis now, and a fifth woman that I see once in a while. There’s about ten men I see regularly, and around five more I see sometimes. So, around a quarter, probably a little less, of my fellow Judokas are women. That ratio is pretty high compared to what I’m used to.

And I should start knocking. But it seems like I always forget.

After I change, I head out to the dojo. I take inventory of who is there. I make my mental list of who I’m willing to work with that evening, and join my boyfriend in warming up. At some point, one of the black belts will do official warmups. A lingering shoulder injury makes some of the exercises difficult for me, and I adjust as I see fit.

I take my safety very seriously. I hurt my shoulder as a white belt when a brown belt threw me badly on a sacrifice throw and I landed on my shoulder. Nothing broke, but after 3 years, it’s still not the same as it used to be. It’s still weak, and it hurts often. When many of the other Judokas are twice my size, I take picking my training partners seriously.

First, I look at their level. I hate to be “that person,” but if you’re a man and below a brown belt, I won’t partner with you. My training mates are nice, and not maliciously aggressive. But men tend to be strong, and overzealous with their throws. That’s a risk I will not take.

I avoid women below brown belts as well. When I do partner with them, I am almost passive. I take falls, and will set up throws, but do not often complete them. The reality is that most women in Judo are 10+ pounds heavier than me, and being my height, there’s a risk in me setting up a throw wrong, and straining my shoulder. One moment of glory is not worth another six months off the mat.

I have only seen two women black belts in my dojo. I see them sporadically, and they never take the same classes I do. There are no women brown belts at this time in my dojo.

Women are often more comfortable training with other women. I have seen it in Krav Maga and Judo. Men are not mean or cruel, but there is a sense of safety in training with other women, who is closer to your size, and is likely to be more gentle.

Even with brown and black belts, I am picky. Even higher belts can be aggressive, and careless with their partners. I’ve seen countless instances where someone got hurt by a black belt. I’ve seen other black belts hurt by black belts. My teammates are great; they are skilled, and knowledgeable about techniques. But I’ve seen throws gone awry at multiple dojos, by people of every level, to people of every level. So, I watch for ego, for carelessness, for any sign that I could get hurt. Size is a factor, but less important to me as temperament. Are they going to be gentle when throwing me? Can I trust they will support me? Will they give me openings to get my own throws? I don’t need to be given throws, but while I’m still learning how to set up and complete attacks in Randori, a little grace from those much better than me is helpful.

I do not look to anyone for help selecting a partner except my boyfriend. I’ve trained with him for three years. He was there when I got hurt. He knows my body, my skill level, and the other people in the dojo better than I do. He knows that if I feel unsafe, I will sit out of training until I feel safe again. And if I can train with my boyfriend, I do. But I don’t want to hinder his training, or mine by only working with each other.

I don’t need his help at our dojo anymore. I know who is safe to work with, and who isn’t. But it is a lot of pressure for both of us to be watching, and making sure that the situation is safe for me.

I do not train at new dojos. I watch for at least one class first, get a sense of the instructor and the students. I keep an eye on whether the exercises are things my shoulder can handle, and how open the sensei seems to be to me adjusting exercises. At this dojo, I only trained Ju No Kata, a non-throwing kata, for the first few months. Otherwise, I watched classes. I did not participate. Finally, I felt comfortable hopping into classes.

I realize that my experiences may seem a little more dramatic, and overly cautious. I do not want to risk hurting my shoulder again when I’m finally able to train again. I’m a greater risk because I’m so small and weak compared to male counterparts. I have to be picky about who I train with, or I could get hurt.

And sometimes, it does keep me from training.

To the women reading this post, especially women new to Martial Arts; do not be afraid to have boundaries. Do not be afraid to tell someone you are not comfortable working with them. Your safety is a priority. There will be opportunities for you to be pushed out of comfort zone, and those are opportunities you should take. But not at the expense of your safety. If you do not feel good training with someone, do not train with them. Your instructor will understand, and if they don’t, you should find a new gym. I, and I’m sure everyone else in the dojo, would rather you enforce your own boundaries and want to come back again, rather than just quit because you didn’t feel safe training. Communicate with your partners, ask them to go slower if you need, and if they do not respect your request, do not work with them.

And to the men; my Martial Arts journey would not exist without the men that have instructed me and trained with me. I am extraordinarily grateful for the men in my Martial Arts world. That doesn’t mean I have felt safe every time I’ve trained with these skilled Martial Artists. When a woman tells you she doesn’t want to work with you, don’t be offended. Realize there may be a history for it, and it may have nothing to do with you. Give the women their space. When they are willing to train with you, be aware of how they’re responding to you. If they seem nervous, go slow. Help them feel comfortable. Judo is about mutual benefit. Benefit the women, and you may learn a lot from your gentler partners.