The Art of Learning in Life and Training

By Carrissa Pannuzzo, MA, LPC, LMFT, Krav Maga Brown Belt, blah, blah, blah

We all learn differently. Yep, I said it. You’re probably thinking one of a few things. “Um, yeah, Carrissa. Obviously.” Or “Hm, ok. I guess I never really thought about it.” Or “Duh! (If you’re a Gen X’er or later Millennial) Wait, what does that mean though, practically?” Today I want to talk about different learning styles and the implications these have for martial arts (and life). But before we get to marital arts, let’s think more broadly.

I think a lot of us cognitively know that we are all different and therefore learn differently but I’ve also observed in myself in the past and in others today that despite this head knowledge we operate as if everyone should learn in a certain, very structured, traditional way, or they should learn just like we do. But it’s not the case that we all learn the same or that everyone should learn the way we do. It’s just plain not true and not a realistic expectation.

I read a blog post recently called The Silent Killer of Relationships by Derek Harvey in which he laid out my new favorite formula for life: Expectation – Observation = Frustration. Do you find yourself being frustrated with certain people over the same things again and again? Well, guess what, the problem isn’t with them, it’s with you. Before you get offended, let me explain. We all have expectations, ideas about how things should go, hopes and plans, ways we think others should act, thoughts about how responsibilities should be divided, etc. And then there’s reality, how things actually go, more realistic visions of the future, the ways people actually act, how responsibilities are actually divided, etc. When what we want and what is are in conflict, we get frustrated.

There’s a popular idea out there now that we just shouldn’t have expectations. I don’t agree with that (and I actually think it’s dangerous). If we don’t want things in our relationships and for ourselves and other people, we’ll never grow or influence change. We’ll end up stagnant in ourselves and with others. But what I do think is that we need to balance our expectations with reality. Expecting my 8 year old, easy going, spontaneous kid to be a future-oriented planner is just a recipe for pain for both of us. Yes, he still needs to learn how to be self-disciplined but he needs my help to develop a system that works for how he’s wired. This includes the freedom to experiment with different options often and to tailor his task list to the needs and feel of each day. Other people need and love the same schedule for every day. That would kill my son’s spirit and take out all the enjoyment of life. And I can’t force my way of doing things (which a combination of these two styles) on him because it just won’t work. It just won’t.

Inspired by the above-mentioned blogger, I came up with a new formula. Expectation + Observation = Contentment. Let’s have our ideas, goals, dreams, thoughts about how it should be and then let’s add in a vision and understanding of what is, what we’re actually working with. When we do this, then we can have appropriate expectation for ourselves and others.

Now, what does this look like practically in life and in martial arts? I’ll use myself as an example. After many years of not having this head knowledge but living it regardless, I now know that I learn and work in burst of energy over long periods of time. More specifically, every few months I get creative bursts where I get a ton done. Maybe a project or problem has been marinating in my mind; then, I finally get that “Aha!” moment and I sit down and bust out whatever it is. As an example, I had been sitting on an idea for a kids book on relationships for months, maybe even a year, and then when the book was fully formed in my mind I sat down and wrote it in a day.

Right now, in my Krav Maga training, I’m at a soaking in/integrating stage. In class it probably looks like I’m not fully engaged. I don’t “go hard” or as hard as someone who seems highly dedicated. I’m still a good partner but I get lost in thought sometimes because I’m breaking down moves in my mind and focusing on their technicalities. I’m experimenting with what happens if I execute a move this way, that way, or I’m wondering about what happens if I try something very different. I do a lot of this work in my mind and only some with my body. I’m training for my black belt, which for Krav, means I need to know all of the moves with both my right and left hands/sides. What if a gunman/woman is left-handed? Krav starts by training us for the most likely scenarios but now I’m high up enough and proficient enough to train for those that are less likely. This involves a lot of head work for me.

Some people may get frustrated and tell me to get out of my head, to just do it, and to just be aggressive with my moves right away. It’s happened in the past and still does sometimes now. And there’s a time and place for me to leave my cerebral world, but I know myself well enough to know it’s not yet. I do tend to stay in my head too long, so I do appreciate those that are more hands-on/experiential learners and their perspective but I have learned to balance those ideas of how a martial art “should be done” in some people’s mind with how I am wired. I just know I need to get the moves down in my mind before I can do them with full physicality and be aggressive. (One of the tenants for Krav is that we need to be more aggressive than our perpetrator. We counter and attack aggressively at the same time, which gives us a higher chance of going home safe.) There’s a time to get out of my head and there’s a time to be in it. Now is a time for me to be in it. On the outside, it looks like I’m not growing or trying that hard but when the synthesizing stage hits, watch out. I’m suddenly rocking it, going full force, and have excellent move technicality (the feedback I get is that I score high here). Thankfully the people I train with know me pretty well after all these years and they recognize that, even if I seem really mellow and even somewhat disengaged for a while, I’ll come out and kill it eventually.

That’s what it looks like for me. It may look differently for you. It probably does, I’d consider myself a nontraditional learner. And maybe you are too. Or maybe you are a traditional learner. This probably looks like you showing up a few times a week, working diligently and consistently, and working on both technique and aggressiveness at the same time. You are both mind and body together. I’m mind first, then body. Others are body first, then mind. They have to work the move over and over before they begin to think it through and understand why it is the way it. This may be frustrating for a partner because they may be doing the move poorly but aggressively at first, but with enough reps they can integrate the two just as I eventually integrate mine.

Expectation – observation = frustration but expectation + observation = contentment. Learn your style so you’re not frustrated with yourself. Learn other people’s styles so you’re not frustrated with them. Basically, just learn about and accept the different styles and you will be content! This applies not only to martial arts but to all of life.

Just one other quick note, we all have the same goals (learn the martial art!) but we all have different wirings, different “whys” (why we’re there and want to learn), and different priorities. Sometimes my training is on my list but it’s not that high. Sometimes it’s really high. We all come from different places and have different things on our plates. Sometimes I come into class after a hard day, a conflict with my husband, a struggle with one or both of my kids, or I’m in a tough life season and I just don’t have the mental, emotional, and/or physical resources to give my all. Maybe I have my period and I’m exhausted or my uterus feels like it’s falling out. I am still learning and still have the same goal, but I just don’t have it in me that day, or that week, or that month to give what I’d like to give so…please be kind. Martial arts isn’t life. It’s part of our lives. It’s helpful for our lives in so many ways, developing skills, self-discipline, etc. But it’s not our whole life, or at least shouldn’t be. If it is, you’ve made an idol of it and are probably hurting people in your life and are missing out on the really important stuff (your relationships and being in/enjoying the moment). I’ve been guilty of not extending this kind grace to others at times (usually I’m caught up in my own stuff for the moment) or of giving too much of myself to training but I’ve lived enough and work with people enough to know that the quote “Everyone is fighting an invisible battle you know nothing about. Be kind.” is the way to live. Kida!