The Battle Between My Ears

I was tired, so very tired. I had 4 kids in 5 years and recovered from 5 surgeries in those 5 years. I couldn’t walk up stairs without pulling myself up them or being out of breath. My goal to run to the corner was impossibly hard. My hips, shoulders, abs felt like that of an crippled 80 year old, but I was 28. I would think to myself, “Well this is it. I had kids. This is the way my body is going to be. Just deal with it.”

I home schooled my kids, cleaned my house, cooked all the meals, woke up through the night with any or all of my children. I had no time to fit anything in for myself. “Just deal with it,” the little voice in my head would say. “This is what you signed up for.” “You had kids, your body won’t be the way you want it to be anymore.” Lies.

I had a friend talk non-stop about this workout she was doing. Krav Maga. I thought it sounded weird. It means Contact Combat in Hebrew.I thought, “I don’t fight. I don’t think I could do that. I’m a lover. I don’t need that. It’s just another fad that I’m not going to stick with.” But, I did like the idea of my son in the childrens’ karate they had. Authority figures, self-discipline, focus, respect, self confidence. That is what I wanted for him. I didn’t care about those things for myself. Little did I know I needed them so badly. Motherhood is a thankless job in so many ways. Putting my needs aside to serve my home. Endless dishes, laundry, breaking up fights, thinking of things to do, keep them thriving, being attentive to their needs. Setting myself aside, I got lost.

After my son was in karate for a month, I watched a Krav Maga class and thought to myself, “Eh, looks like fun, but is it worth it?” I walked up to the desk. I was feeling a bit sassy and didn’t have a clue that I was talking to the owner at the time and a black belt in Krav Maga. “Give me your best sales pitch. Why do I need this in my life?” Mr. Schaefer sat back in his chair and said, “I don’t have one, but what would you do if you needed to defend yourself or your kids?” I thought back to my aching hips, crappy cardio shape I was in. “I don’t know” was all I could answer. We exchanged a few more words and just like that I was signed up to take my first class that night.

I’m not one to back down from a challenge. I took the class and felt immediately relief. My body was a happy sore from working out. My mind was clearer. My stress level decreased. I was learning a skill. It was incredible. Something I’ve never experienced. I was hooked. I needed more. Somethings I felt out of place with, other techniques came easily to me. More I did, the more confident I became, the less my hips hurt. I started to see abs! Four kids??? I never in a million years believe that I would have those again. Becoming stronger, more resilient, having better focus, and control. Things I didn’t even know I needed.

Testing time came around. I haven’t been tested in years. Since I was at work or really even at high school. I came in with so many questions. I wanted to excel at this. I refused to fail. I wanted to be the best. I forgot how competitive I was. It was physically grueling. So much striking, defenses. But the voice in my head changed its tune. “Never ever give up, you are strong. Pick your hands up. Stay in this fight. You can do this.” And I did. I passed! It was the most euphoric feeling, apart from having kids. I set a goal for myself. I reached it! Those lies in my head were put to death with the victory of that test. That yellow belt meant so much more than just a belt. It was the belief in myself. The work I put in made my want to strive for greatness in other areas of my life. With my eating habits, what I did outside of Krav Maga, how I held myself accountable, how I wanted to love and take care of my kids. I wanted more. I prayed for more.

I was talking with Mr. Ellenbecker one day, and he said, “I want to see a woman who kicks butt and can instruct. What do you think, Jayda? Do you think you can be that?” At first the lies came back again. “You can’t. You won’t be able to make it work. You are not good enough.” Then I started thinking back to what I’ve accomplished in the last 5 months. “You are able, you are strong, you can and you will do this.”

Time passed. I got employed at Karate America so the Krav students would know who I was when I became an instructor. I started training hard. Reading, studying, practicing, working out. It was a hunger that I wanted. If I passed I would be the first woman to be a Krav instructor in Wisconsin, along with the other women that went with me. I wanted that title. It was time to get on the plane to Maryland. “You aren’t prepared enough, you can’t do this.” Those stupid lies were back again. Before I left, Mr. Ellenbecker looked at me and said, “You got this. Trust your training. I believe in you.”

I got there and walked into the training room. I couldn’t believe I was there. Me, a 30 year old, mother of 4 kids, a year ago didn’t even know what Krav was, now I was going to test myself at the highest level. I wanted it. I trained for this. I had focus, respect, discipline. I was hungry to prove myself. So for 6 days, I fought. I fought with everything I had. It took everything mind, body and spirit. I wanted to give up. Hours and days passed. There was one point the instructor said to all of us, “It’s lunch. Don’t come back, if you don’t care to work hard. Show up. I’m sick of watching training that isn’t your best work.” My brain started saying, “Let’s go home. This is hard. Why are you doing this to yourself? You hurt all over. Lets just go home. People will understand” Then something switched. Tears flowed out of my eyes. “NO! Refuse to quit. You’ve worked this hard. You’ve given your all and you will continue to. There are people waiting to see you succeed. There are people that don’t believe you can to this. Prove them wrong. You will continue to lift your hands no matter what. FIGHT! You will be able to give what you received to other people. There are moms hiding and forgetting about themselves. You will be able to give that to them. Work, Jayda, Work hard. You will do this, you can do this. Trust your training.” In Maryland, They have a quote wall in their training rooms. The quote that I kept repeating to myself is, “Pain is not my enemy, it’s my call to greatness” Fighting is painful. It’s a lot of work. But, this is something that will make me great, for myself and for the people I will instruct. So, I continued to lift my hands, I took the pain instead of letting it defeat me, I let it fuel me. I let it course though my veins. I became something I’ve trained to become. A fighter. Test day came. I was ready to fight this battle. I fought and fought hard. I gave everything I had. Then, just like that, it was over.

I waiting what felt like an eternity to hear back if i passed or not. The doubts started creeping in. “You didn’t pass. It wasn’t good enough” Then we got the call. I passed! I couldn’t believe it. I was crying trying to wrap my brain around the fact I reached a goal that I never thought I could accomplish. I did something no other woman in Wisconsin has ever done before. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the people who spoke love and encouragement into my life. I was thankful for the battle between my ears. Not listening to the lies, but believing in myself to know the truth. I’ve learned to turn from doubt and fear and fight though regardless of my situation letting it fuel me to reach better, higher and more lofty goals. Krav Maga is so much more than a self defense system. It has taught me the battle between my ears is just as vicious of a battle to fight. There are still doubts, there are still fears. But now i am battle tested. I have risen up from the most exhausting and darkest places to know I am stronger, braver and built into a warrior. I care deeply, love fiercy, and fight with strength and dignity. No matter if it’s on the dojo floor or in life. I refuse to lose the battle between my ears. Kida!

“The most important 6 inches on the battlefield is between your ears.” -James Mattis

Note: I wrote this a year ago, but I thought it was fitting since it told my story. I will pick up and share more with you about how being the small female instructor and student in Krav Maga has changed my life in my next posts.