The Lie of the Bad Partner

Jita kyoei.

Mutual Benefit.

The idea that Judo is intended to benefit both partners. Chosen by the founder of Judo, Jigora Kano, himself, the spirit of this principle should be present in every training session, every movement, every Randori (sparring) round, every thought of Judo.

There should not exist the thought, feeling, sense, perception that one is a “bad partner.” There are no bad partners* in Judo.

Yet somehow, I have always been one.

It started in Krav. I was small, weak, and had bad balance. I flinched every time someone came close to me. I fell over if someone looked at me funny. The other people in my class were big and strong and loud and confident. And I… was not. They wouldn’t be able to punch full strength, even with pads. I couldn’t hold the pads well enough. My balance and base weren’t great, so if they kicked too hard, I’d fall over. Sometimes, I’d even throw up in class. I was trying my hardest, but I worked right before class, and often didn’t get to eat, and I would just get sick if I went too hard.

I was a bad partner.

In fact, my boyfriend’s first memory of me is probably me apologizing that he had to be my partner during Judo. I didn’t fall well, I was terrified of hitting the floor, and the single hardest part of Judo for me ever has been learning technique. My brain does not compute information the way Judo likes to teach it. I could watch the technique, but if someone didn’t talk me through it specifically, step by step while I did it, I couldn’t figure it out. So my partner would have to do that.

I was a bad partner.

I am a bad partner. My shoulder is still recovering, and has been for three years. In Judo, I can’t be thrown too hard. I can’t take sacrifice falls because my ukemi (roll falls) aren’t very good. I can’t be thrown by upper level throws. If my shoulder gets pinned in ne-waza (ground grappling), I just tap out. I still need my partners to walk me through new material step by step. I take falls I don’t have to because I have bad balance or I’m just scared. My knee collapses in tai-otoshi. I can’t remember my throws in Randori.

I am a bad partner. In Krav, I can’t hold a pad well. I’m used to training with people higher ranked than me, so I forget that I can’t just play with whatever technique I want, and I confuse my partner. I don’t do as much cardio anymore, so I get tired easily. I still fall over if I get kicked too hard.

But I will say this loud and clear. The idea of the bad partner is a lie.

I’ll say it again for every single woman I have ever heard say she is a bad partner. The idea of the bad partner is a lie.

Not just in Judo.

In Krav Maga.

In every Martial Art.

In every single aspect of life where a partner is needed.

The idea of a bad partner is a lie.

A person that cannot be in control of their strikes has more to learn about striking. A person that cannot be in control of their throws has more to learn about throwing. A person that cannot explain a technique does not understand the technique. A person that cannot find value in working with people that have different skills than them does not understand what the purpose of a partner is.

There is value in every partnership you are in.

In Krav, my partner has to learn to be aware of me. They have to learn to control their strength, learn to focus on other skills than strength and speed. They have to learn how to be careful of their partners. Things they won’t learn only working with people their size and strength.

In Judo, my partners have to learn the technique even better because they explain it to me. Or they learn how to play and explore techniques as we try to work through it together. My partners have to learn to control their throwing, they have to learn how to support me. They have to learn how to be flexible as I work through my anxiety, because sometimes they have to throw a little more, or a little less. Things they won’t learn only working with other partners like them.

The idea of a bad partner is a lie.

There are no bad partners. There are opportunities to learn.

I write this gender neutral because of the lie of the bad partner is gender neutral. But I also write this as a woman, because women are socialized to care, to take care, to adapt and adjust to be as suitable for the people around us as possible. I think the lie of the bad partner is a bigger obstacle for women to overcome in Martial Arts than for men. I think it prevents more women from training than men, and causes more problems for us training than for men.

But man or woman, you are not a bad partner. I am not a bad partner. There are no bad partners, because there is always something to learn from your partner.

There is always a mutual benefit.

And that is how we should view every training session. Every exercise. We are benefiting from our partner, and our partner is benefiting from us. There is mutual benefit. There needs to be no shame or embarrassment in what you can do as a partner, or what your partner can do for you.

Because the bad partner is a lie.

*There may be dangerous partners, or partners that have the intention to hurt you, or situations in which you feel unable to protect yourself, so you excuse yourself from that partnership. That is not the partnership this article is intended to address.