The Neurobiology of Training

Today I get to talk about two of my favorite things. Martial arts and neurobiology. Yep, you read correctly. Out of the dojo I’m a Clinical Therapist and college psychology instructor. With my professional and martial arts experience, I see training in a way most people don’t. As we train, we all have various neurobiological responses and because men and women are wired differently, the different fear responses pose additional challenges for women. If your eyes are glazing over, stay with me! It'll be worth it. I promise. The main reason we started this blog is because newsflash! men and women are different. I know a lot of people like to pretend we're not and even get militant over it but they're wrong. …because science. 😉 Whatever you think, keep reading, I’ll make a compelling case and give you a free brain science lesson.

But before we go there, let’s talk about why we do martial arts, male or female. We do it for many different reasons but when it gets right down to it it's all about the fight. And fighting is primal. It’s deep and intense and has a very profound effect on our neurobiology. When you break it all the way down, it’s about survival. Yeah, there’s competition and other things, but ultimately, survival it is.

Now, you’ve likely heard of “fight or flight,” right? This is what every human and animal does when its life and safety is on the line. It also kicks in when someone we love or, if you’re altruistic like many of us are, anyone is in danger. We all have this, men and women.

There’s also another thing we all have. This one is called “freeze.” I always think of that scene in the first Jurassic Park when the T-Rex is after them and they stand very still because a Tyrannosaurus’ sight is poor. If you don’t move, it has a hard time seeing you. Also, when talking about human to human situations, someone who isn’t moving and is making themselves still and small is not a threat.

So, we now have fight, flight, and freeze. But have you heard of “tend and befriend?” This one is distinctively female. It’s also one of the most clever. Smart men use this too, but it’s less instinctual. I’ll get into more detail later but, as you can see we have lots of options for responses when we are in danger.

Now, men have testosterone. It's an aggressive hormone. They typically can get to fight in a blink of an eye. It's not hard to call out of them. To be fair and accurate though, some men are wired a bit differently and the fight instinct may not be the first thing they go to, and some men have been through things that have beat it out of them so I'm not going to say all men go immediately to fight. All people are complex and nuanced. But generally speaking, it's really not hard for a man to get to fight.

And then we have woman. As per usual, things get a bit less direct here. We’ll say complex and sophisticated 😉 Yes, women have fight and flight but before that fight or flight kicks in they often go to anything but fight. For biological, social, cultural, or whatever reasons, if we women are in danger we either try to make friends first, become invisible (freeze), or leave (flight). Fighting is about survival and because women are generally smaller, often lack resources (time, energy, space – ask any mom or caretaker) making them more vulnerable, and are often physically weaker, the smartest thing to do is to try to make the person threatening us a friend. To make them feel happy and comfortable. To tend to their problems. To show that we little girls aren’t a threat. That way maybe they won't hurt us.

I think you can start to see the implications for martial arts training here…right? I'm going to flesh it out even more but before I do that, here’s something else you need to know about both men and women. We cannot neurophysiologically learn when we are in survival mode, whatever the version (fight, flight, freeze, tend, befriend). The instinctual feeling brain (aka our limbic system) takes over and regardless of what you chose to do, you're not learning. Your thinking brain (aka the cortex) is nearly completely offline. You're surviving, and that’s it. Some people think this looks like learning and maybe you are figuring out how to avoid getting hit or how to escape, but it’s still survival. Pure instinct. Not smart brain learning. That only happens when we feel safe.

Now, for many (most?) men, learning martial arts is more direct. There's a survival threat and the fight kicks in. Thanks, testosterone! It really is a great hormone when you’re trying to survive. For women there are more steps to go through. We will try other things before you get the fight out of us. We have to be at the absolute end of the line or we have to be connected with something we’re extremely passionate about. Women are taught to smile and be happy. An angry woman is a bitch, pardon the language. And none of us want to be bitches. So how the heck do we navigate this? We're in martial arts. Something brought us here. And this is true for all of us, male or female. We're angry. We're tired of feeling scared. We're tired of feeling little. We’re tired of being discounted, belittled, beat down. Maybe we have babies that we want to protect. We want to go home safe to our family and friends.

This where we’re the same but we all have different demons to fight. I’m just talking about the female ones right now. Men have their own specific demons and each individual will have their own, but this blog mainly focuses on those women experience. In martial arts we're putting ourselves in survival situations with some real physical threat and for most of us ladies any of the responses, except fight are the first thing we go to. Running through our heads are thoughts such as, “Don't be aggressive because if you're too aggressive then the guy that you're up against is going to get more aggressive and he's going to hurt you and manhandle you because he's stronger. But don't be too wimpy or girly because then he's going to get annoyed at you and begin to disdain you.” Ugh. It’s so hard!

I was talking to Holly, this blog’s founder, about this post and she said, “I have found women are more likely to apologize and ask if their partner is okay after completing a technique, both in practice and in sparring. This could be related to "I was just aggressive and now I might be in danger, if I tend [to him] he won't be mad".” She’s absolutely right. I see this happen all the time and even do it myself sometimes.

Ladies (and gents), this is where conversation in and out of the dojo is so important. Talk to your training partners and instructors. Pick a few with whom you connect, who will advocate for you, and for whom you can advocate, both guys and gals. Talk about what each of you are comfortable with and how you learn best. These can be little, light exchanges in passing. It might look like, “Hey, could you work on technique instead of power right now?” or “Could you slow down? I’d like to work on technique here.” or “Can you go harder so it’s more realistic? I really want to know if my skill is enough to defend myself in real life.”

And lastly, if you have trouble wading through fear, social conditioning, past experiences, various beliefs about yourself to get to fight, as my awesome, empowering, supportive 2nd dan black belt Krav Maga instructor, Joel Ellenbecker, says, “Find your why.” Remember why you train. Remember how you’re stronger now and you don’t have to feel as afraid anymore. That you can protect yourself, your kids, your loved ones. Find that thing that turns fear to passion and even rage. Connect to it, control it, and use it!

This is a really complex topic but I hope I was able to break it down and demystify why we act the way we do just a bit. KIDA!